Now that Christmas is over and the New Year is upon us, I'm still struggling with my weight issues. It's not that I'm struggling with my weight. I'm struggling with motivation more than anything. I really believe that I'm caught in a vicious cycle and I'm lazy.
Okay, there, I've said it. I have weight to lose, but I'm always tired. I'm probably tired because I'm overweight, so I don't work out because I'm tired! My exercise or lack thereof stems from a heart condition I was diagnosed with as a teenager.
When I was younger I was very active but everything put strain on me. Before I was diagnosed, I realized that every time I'd exert myself, I'd get out of breath easily, tired, and sometime even pass out. Back then I thought maybe I had asthma. My mom thought I was out of shape and pushed me even harder.
I was on the dance team at school and my mom signed me up for a race. The final straw came when I was chasing my older sister up a huge hill by our house, and I passed out. I told my mom I just couldn't take another minute of it and that my upcoming school year of gym was going to kill me. She finally took me to the doctor in August before my 16th birthday. We walked into the doctor’s office and he listened to my heart and knew there was a serious problem right away. He sent me to a cardiologist that day and my mom left in tears. I remember her not wanting to take the elevator so people wouldn't see her cry. We took the back stairs together, crying in silence. The cardiologist scheduled my surgery for that weekend. After the surgery, I was told my heart valves had been working at 20% capacity but that it was now up to 80%. I felt better immediately but to me 80% wasn't 100% and the fear of exertion set it. I never really exercised much after that. I was young, thin and felt better. But as I had children and my metabolism changed my lack of exercise and love of food left me obese.
I'm hoping that the fear of not changing will become more motivating than the fear of changing. I know it's my choice. I'm just scared.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Christmas
Christmas is just around the corner. Christmas is a magical time but once Christmas fades we are looking squarely in the face of the New Year. New Year's is a time of new beginnings, putting the past to rest, re-evaluating life and looking forward to future goals.
I've never been a fan of New Year's resolutions. It's a time that many people are faced with sadness and hope all at once. Resolutions are goals, but without making the choice and continuing to make the choice on an ongoing basis, it just becomes failure. Making life changes is a hard thing. But it starts with making the simple choice of moving forward.
I've never been a fan of New Year's resolutions. It's a time that many people are faced with sadness and hope all at once. Resolutions are goals, but without making the choice and continuing to make the choice on an ongoing basis, it just becomes failure. Making life changes is a hard thing. But it starts with making the simple choice of moving forward.
Traditions
I'm in a place in my life where I love what's going on around me. I do wish that I had more time at home with my children, but a part of me realizes that as my children get older, they begin to rely on time with me less and less. The thing that is important is what I've taught them and that they know they can count on me when then have questions.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not throwing them to the wolves. It's an evolution I didn't think would happen and I didn't think I'd come to grips with it so easily. Being divorced from my older two children's father made holidays stressful and anxiety ridden for me. In the past we had always agreed that he would have them for Thanksgiving and I would have them for Christmas. Part of it was my need to have them with me for Christmas, my reasoning was they had a younger half sibling and Christmas to the youngest was important. In truth Christmas to me was important. I was lucky that my ex-husband gave that to me.
This year is different, he got a job out of state and is going through a divorce himself this year. He will be in town for Christmas. He has let me have them for Christmas this year too, but I had them for Thanksgiving because of his family situation. With him being so far away in the future I realized that they need the time with him and it's selfish of me to pressure them one way or another. Soon enough they will be grown and going off into the world to start families and traditions of their own.
My wish for them is independence, happiness, and the ability to do what makes them happy. It's a hard thing to learn when they are young, but again I hope they don't forget me and will still know they can count on me if they need help or need to talk.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not throwing them to the wolves. It's an evolution I didn't think would happen and I didn't think I'd come to grips with it so easily. Being divorced from my older two children's father made holidays stressful and anxiety ridden for me. In the past we had always agreed that he would have them for Thanksgiving and I would have them for Christmas. Part of it was my need to have them with me for Christmas, my reasoning was they had a younger half sibling and Christmas to the youngest was important. In truth Christmas to me was important. I was lucky that my ex-husband gave that to me.
This year is different, he got a job out of state and is going through a divorce himself this year. He will be in town for Christmas. He has let me have them for Christmas this year too, but I had them for Thanksgiving because of his family situation. With him being so far away in the future I realized that they need the time with him and it's selfish of me to pressure them one way or another. Soon enough they will be grown and going off into the world to start families and traditions of their own.
My wish for them is independence, happiness, and the ability to do what makes them happy. It's a hard thing to learn when they are young, but again I hope they don't forget me and will still know they can count on me if they need help or need to talk.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Keeping Busy
I have been keeping busy at home working on our kitchen. After we painted the walls we decided to change the flooring. It was a first for us but we came across this awesome click wood flooring. It was fairly easy to do, took us twelve hours in one day to complete. We still need to do the edges but I am in love with this floor. I took before and after pictures to show the change.
Working on the house has kept me busy while at home which makes thing much easier for my crazy nervous personality. However, this is the slow season at work. I've volunteered to help others in the office but they are in similar situations. I've taken to crocheting when I am desperate to keep my fingers busy with something productive and I've found I made a cute scarf/neck warmer. It's really cute and I love it. I'm currently making one for my daughter as well.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Driving
I had a longer than usual commute to work this morning because of a snow storm. I love to drive because it represents freedom, adulthood, choices, and yes...escape. Who hasn't wanted to escape at one time or another? Knowing that you car is parked outside with a tank full of gas and in a matter of hours you could be gone.
Not that I'd ever leave my family, but it's handy to have that kind of access if you are at a bad party, at a job you'd like to leave or a meeting that's headed south.
Driving to work is one of the only places I'm alone. I actually work alone, but I am subject to a ringing phone, constant emails and faxes. In the car, it's just me alone with my thoughts. That can be good or that can be bad depending on the thoughts involved. Driving is my meditation.
Not that I'd ever leave my family, but it's handy to have that kind of access if you are at a bad party, at a job you'd like to leave or a meeting that's headed south.
Friday, December 4, 2009
Weekends
I love weekends! Not only because I need time off from work, but I also get to spend 48 hours with my husband and children. I love my husband but he is also my best friend. Weekends make me dream of a time when we can retire and spend all of our time together. I know all too often people make those kinds of plans, only to have their partner or themselves fall ill, or worse pass away.
I am trying hard to make the most of our time together now so that anything we get to have in the future is bonus time. When I think about this issue, I think about my mother & father in law. He passed away almost 6 1/2 years ago. I miss him all the time. He was an amazing man who loved his family dearly. Family is complicated. He understood that and he liked me.
I am trying hard to make the most of our time together now so that anything we get to have in the future is bonus time. When I think about this issue, I think about my mother & father in law. He passed away almost 6 1/2 years ago. I miss him all the time. He was an amazing man who loved his family dearly. Family is complicated. He understood that and he liked me.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Dealing with Your Demons
There are things in life that are hard to talk about; things that are not socially acceptable. I've always had a slightly obsessive personality; nothing that would keep me from living my life on a daily basis but one that has affected me.
When I was younger I used to bite my fingernails. I understand that many people do this, but mine was more than being bored. I couldn't stand the thought of nails being uneven so I would keep biting until there was nothing left. I knew the actions were unreasonable but I did it anyway.
When I hit 6th grade, I remember sitting in Mr. McGee's class and being thoroughly disgusted with myself and vowing never to bite my nails again and I never did. The problem that followed was that I didn't deal with the underlying feelings of WHY I bit my nails so the obsession just changed from one to another.
Shortly after the nail biting, I discovered picking. I remember sitting in my room and running my hand over the heel of my foot. There was a slightly dry piece of skin, so I picked it off. My obsession kicked in right away and the skin felt uneven so I kept picking. The thing about the bottoms of feet is; they don't scar much, heel pretty fast plus you can cover them up most of the time. The biggest problem with it is they bleed and you walk on them: which if they are bleeding hurts like crazy.
I struggled with this obsession for a very long time. When I was pregnant with my first born at 21, I made a conscious decision to stop because the doctor would see my feet in labor and think I was "crazy". By the time my feet heeled, I gave birth and no one was the wiser. Unfortunately, the obsession took another turn.
I still had this obsession. It's fueled by uncertainty, boredom, fear, and stress; among other things. I started looking at my beautiful nails and realized that I had a bit of skin hanging off the side of my finger. This new obsession was different. It was slightly more socially acceptable. Who hasn't pulled a bit of skin off their finger, but my urges became uncontrollable. My fingers were bloodied. The thing about fingers is, you can't stick them in a sock all day. It's out there for the whole world to see but no one ever said anything unless I'd bring it up to them, which I rarely did. My husband was my biggest supporter, but reminders not to pick often brought stress which brings more picking. So the cycle continued. There were times I would retire the finger picking only to be replaced with the feet again but fingers were the new top choice. They healed quickly and didn't scar much, but you don't have to walk on your fingers.
I'm in a new phase of my life now. I'm trying to deal with my demons even though it's difficult. I bought some tape to wear on all of my fingers that was waterproof and very flexible. I left it on all day long until the fingers healed. Scabs are the hardest thing to get past at first so taking them out of the equation helped a bit. Now my fingers are healed and it's only been about a month but it's the first time in my ENTIRE life that I've not had an obsession to fall back on. It's not easy. I think about it all day long, much like I imagine an alcoholic does. I have been trying to heal myself from the inside out. I have been trying to forgive myself for past feelings of guilt, embarrassment, hurt and pain and trying to learn new ways to cope with those feelings.
It's a process and I'm learning that we all have demons to deal with.
When I was younger I used to bite my fingernails. I understand that many people do this, but mine was more than being bored. I couldn't stand the thought of nails being uneven so I would keep biting until there was nothing left. I knew the actions were unreasonable but I did it anyway.
When I hit 6th grade, I remember sitting in Mr. McGee's class and being thoroughly disgusted with myself and vowing never to bite my nails again and I never did. The problem that followed was that I didn't deal with the underlying feelings of WHY I bit my nails so the obsession just changed from one to another.
Shortly after the nail biting, I discovered picking. I remember sitting in my room and running my hand over the heel of my foot. There was a slightly dry piece of skin, so I picked it off. My obsession kicked in right away and the skin felt uneven so I kept picking. The thing about the bottoms of feet is; they don't scar much, heel pretty fast plus you can cover them up most of the time. The biggest problem with it is they bleed and you walk on them: which if they are bleeding hurts like crazy.
I struggled with this obsession for a very long time. When I was pregnant with my first born at 21, I made a conscious decision to stop because the doctor would see my feet in labor and think I was "crazy". By the time my feet heeled, I gave birth and no one was the wiser. Unfortunately, the obsession took another turn.
I still had this obsession. It's fueled by uncertainty, boredom, fear, and stress; among other things. I started looking at my beautiful nails and realized that I had a bit of skin hanging off the side of my finger. This new obsession was different. It was slightly more socially acceptable. Who hasn't pulled a bit of skin off their finger, but my urges became uncontrollable. My fingers were bloodied. The thing about fingers is, you can't stick them in a sock all day. It's out there for the whole world to see but no one ever said anything unless I'd bring it up to them, which I rarely did. My husband was my biggest supporter, but reminders not to pick often brought stress which brings more picking. So the cycle continued. There were times I would retire the finger picking only to be replaced with the feet again but fingers were the new top choice. They healed quickly and didn't scar much, but you don't have to walk on your fingers.
I'm in a new phase of my life now. I'm trying to deal with my demons even though it's difficult. I bought some tape to wear on all of my fingers that was waterproof and very flexible. I left it on all day long until the fingers healed. Scabs are the hardest thing to get past at first so taking them out of the equation helped a bit. Now my fingers are healed and it's only been about a month but it's the first time in my ENTIRE life that I've not had an obsession to fall back on. It's not easy. I think about it all day long, much like I imagine an alcoholic does. I have been trying to heal myself from the inside out. I have been trying to forgive myself for past feelings of guilt, embarrassment, hurt and pain and trying to learn new ways to cope with those feelings.
It's a process and I'm learning that we all have demons to deal with.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Change is Good
My husband and I spent the Thanksgiving holiday not only celebrating the season, but painting our kitchen.
When we bought this house right after we married, we had fallen in love with it for it's charm and the potential we both saw in it. Luckily we both have the same attitude about our home. We aren't trying to keep up with the Jones, just taking our time to make this lived in house...ours. It's a slow and gentle process that becomes more about the process than the end product.
I love the time I get to spend with my husband and children. The paint job isn't professional looking, but it is done with love. My husband and I are one of those couples that really love being together. If we could both quit our jobs and spend every moment together, we would never run out of things to talk about.
When we bought this house right after we married, we had fallen in love with it for it's charm and the potential we both saw in it. Luckily we both have the same attitude about our home. We aren't trying to keep up with the Jones, just taking our time to make this lived in house...ours. It's a slow and gentle process that becomes more about the process than the end product.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Thoughts About My Sister
Once I met the man that I married seven years ago things in my life changed quite a bit. We married and he became the person that I relied on more. He started helping with my children because we were now a family. We soon had a baby on the way and new house. A lot was changing during those early days. Both of the older kids were in school full time and the less I needed my mother's help, the more she seemed to resent the new relationship.
I often wondered if my family learned something from our falling out and if my sister would benefit from any lessons that might have been learned. It's difficult to know, but I do know that my sister and her new husband just had a baby of their own. They both have children from previous relationships but I suspect they rely on each other for support just as any new blended family should.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Holidays and Family
I love the holidays. I always have. I love the way the holidays make people act towards others. I love the crisp air, the joy, the love...and the memories.
Six years ago between Christmas and New Years I had a falling out with my family. It was a big crazy incident that blew out of proportion. Things were done that couldn't be taken back and I have been estranged from them since. It is something that has shaped who I have become over the last six years. I think I've become the type of person I didn't have the guts to be before, but do miss the family I once had. The problem with missing that part of who I was is that it doesn't exist anymore.
Like I have said before I have a great husband who loves me more than anyone. My children are healthy, happy, wonderful people. Even my mother in law has accepted me as if I was her daughter. The problem that occurs is that my family still lives nearby. My sisters and I have friends in common and with the invention of Facebook, our mutual circle has attracted a few questions. It's hard to explain to people on the outside that I do love my family, the memories of who we were. But it's not a place that I ever want, or ever could go back to. Everyone thinks it's as simple as forgiving, but it's not.
Six years ago between Christmas and New Years I had a falling out with my family. It was a big crazy incident that blew out of proportion. Things were done that couldn't be taken back and I have been estranged from them since. It is something that has shaped who I have become over the last six years. I think I've become the type of person I didn't have the guts to be before, but do miss the family I once had. The problem with missing that part of who I was is that it doesn't exist anymore.
Like I have said before I have a great husband who loves me more than anyone. My children are healthy, happy, wonderful people. Even my mother in law has accepted me as if I was her daughter. The problem that occurs is that my family still lives nearby. My sisters and I have friends in common and with the invention of Facebook, our mutual circle has attracted a few questions. It's hard to explain to people on the outside that I do love my family, the memories of who we were. But it's not a place that I ever want, or ever could go back to. Everyone thinks it's as simple as forgiving, but it's not.
Friday, September 11, 2009
Welcome to the Weekend
I get so exhausted throughout the week with everything going on in the basic daily working of life. How can just being alive be so physically exhausting? My job isn't physically demanding. I sit at a desk all day long pushing papers and typing. Then I go home and only have time to help with dinner (I'm not much help to my lovely husband, but I am there), look through three backpacks, help with homework, night time rituals and tuck ins.
Life passes by so fast. When I was younger I remember older people saying life goes by faster the older you get. I thought that was just them having a case of the crazy...but it feels like that is the case. I don't know what's worse; admiting the old folks were right or that I am now one of them!
I am excited to have a nice weekend with the family. Jake will be with his dad this weekend. Maddy & I will be coloring her hair. Maceo has planned a family sleepover in the living room on Saturday night. William will be running a race on Saturday morning. Sunday will be a small afternoon get together with family to celebrate William's 41st birthday (that was two weeks ago). I love my life I just wish it would slow down to a nice enjoyable pace...
Life passes by so fast. When I was younger I remember older people saying life goes by faster the older you get. I thought that was just them having a case of the crazy...but it feels like that is the case. I don't know what's worse; admiting the old folks were right or that I am now one of them!
I am excited to have a nice weekend with the family. Jake will be with his dad this weekend. Maddy & I will be coloring her hair. Maceo has planned a family sleepover in the living room on Saturday night. William will be running a race on Saturday morning. Sunday will be a small afternoon get together with family to celebrate William's 41st birthday (that was two weeks ago). I love my life I just wish it would slow down to a nice enjoyable pace...
Friday, September 4, 2009
Six Months
Six months ago I wrote a very heartfelt blog that I soon forgot about. Today I remembered that I have this blog that I never use and thought I'd go on, delete whatever was there and start over. When I got here I realized I only had one original post that was six months old. I read it and was floored by what I read.
In the six months since I've written that post, none of the awesome stuff I wrote about my husband and children has changed. They are still awesome, wonderful and amazing. However, I am still overweight. I do alot of talking and thinking about this but not much doing. Not much changing. I was also floored to notice that I had a comment from two months ago.
Myra, a woman I've never met is a friend of another woman I've never met but have read her blog daily for quite some time. Myra's comment touched me in such a way that I decided not to delete my previous post. It was the beginning of my journey to a happier me and a struggle that I hope I can share with whoever would like share it.
In the six months since I've written that post, none of the awesome stuff I wrote about my husband and children has changed. They are still awesome, wonderful and amazing. However, I am still overweight. I do alot of talking and thinking about this but not much doing. Not much changing. I was also floored to notice that I had a comment from two months ago.
Myra, a woman I've never met is a friend of another woman I've never met but have read her blog daily for quite some time. Myra's comment touched me in such a way that I decided not to delete my previous post. It was the beginning of my journey to a happier me and a struggle that I hope I can share with whoever would like share it.
Friday, February 27, 2009
GOALS
I've been thinking a lot about what my goals in life should be. It's hard to look at the state of world and feel like something is missing. I've been happy with my life. I have three good kids and a husband who loves me in spite of all the grief I cause him. My job pays well, but I don't accomplish very much on any given day.
My biggest goal is something that I've wanted for a very long time, but haven't committed to it like should have. I'm overweight, have a heart condition, and high blood pressure. Losing the weight would give me more time with my children and husband. I'm so afraid of failing that I never really try anything.
Growing up, I lived in a world where the worst thing you could do is disappoint. I spent a great deal of my time worrying about making a mistake, that I didn't allow myself to live a life worth experiencing.
My biggest goal is something that I've wanted for a very long time, but haven't committed to it like should have. I'm overweight, have a heart condition, and high blood pressure. Losing the weight would give me more time with my children and husband. I'm so afraid of failing that I never really try anything.
Growing up, I lived in a world where the worst thing you could do is disappoint. I spent a great deal of my time worrying about making a mistake, that I didn't allow myself to live a life worth experiencing.
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