Dealing with Your Demons

There are things in life that are hard to talk about; things that are not socially acceptable. I've always had a slightly obsessive personality; nothing that would keep me from living my life on a daily basis but one that has affected me.

When I was younger I used to bite my fingernails. I understand that many people do this, but mine was more than being bored. I couldn't stand the thought of nails being uneven so I would keep biting until there was nothing left. I knew the actions were unreasonable but I did it anyway.

When I hit 6th grade, I remember sitting in Mr. McGee's class and being thoroughly disgusted with myself and vowing never to bite my nails again and I never did. The problem that followed was that I didn't deal with the underlying feelings of WHY I bit my nails so the obsession just changed from one to another.

Shortly after the nail biting, I discovered picking. I remember sitting in my room and running my hand over the heel of my foot. There was a slightly dry piece of skin, so I picked it off. My obsession kicked in right away and the skin felt uneven so I kept picking. The thing about the bottoms of feet is; they don't scar much, heel pretty fast plus you can cover them up most of the time. The biggest problem with it is they bleed and you walk on them: which if they are bleeding hurts like crazy.

I struggled with this obsession for a very long time. When I was pregnant with my first born at 21, I made a conscious decision to stop because the doctor would see my feet in labor and think I was "crazy". By the time my feet heeled, I gave birth and no one was the wiser. Unfortunately, the obsession took another turn.

I still had this obsession. It's fueled by uncertainty, boredom, fear, and stress; among other things. I started looking at my beautiful nails and realized that I had a bit of skin hanging off the side of my finger. This new obsession was different. It was slightly more socially acceptable. Who hasn't pulled a bit of skin off their finger, but my urges became uncontrollable. My fingers were bloodied. The thing about fingers is, you can't stick them in a sock all day. It's out there for the whole world to see but no one ever said anything unless I'd bring it up to them, which I rarely did. My husband was my biggest supporter, but reminders not to pick often brought stress which brings more picking. So the cycle continued. There were times I would retire the finger picking only to be replaced with the feet again but fingers were the new top choice. They healed quickly and didn't scar much, but you don't have to walk on your fingers.

I'm in a new phase of my life now. I'm trying to deal with my demons even though it's difficult. I bought some tape to wear on all of my fingers that was waterproof and very flexible. I left it on all day long until the fingers healed. Scabs are the hardest thing to get past at first so taking them out of the equation helped a bit. Now my fingers are healed and it's only been about a month but it's the first time in my ENTIRE life that I've not had an obsession to fall back on. It's not easy. I think about it all day long, much like I imagine an alcoholic does. I have been trying to heal myself from the inside out. I have been trying to forgive myself for past feelings of guilt, embarrassment, hurt and pain and trying to learn new ways to cope with those feelings.

It's a process and I'm learning that we all have demons to deal with.