I've been thinking a lot about what my goals in life should be. It's hard to look at the state of world and feel like something is missing. I've been happy with my life. I have three good kids and a husband who loves me in spite of all the grief I cause him. My job pays well, but I don't accomplish very much on any given day.
My biggest goal is something that I've wanted for a very long time, but haven't committed to it like should have. I'm overweight, have a heart condition, and high blood pressure. Losing the weight would give me more time with my children and husband. I'm so afraid of failing that I never really try anything.
Growing up, I lived in a world where the worst thing you could do is disappoint. I spent a great deal of my time worrying about making a mistake, that I didn't allow myself to live a life worth experiencing.
Hi. I don't know you and you don't know me. I just saw a post of yours on one of my friend's blog's (Love Street, by Leslie). I like to read her friend's blogs because I have always found them interesting. I have not, however, ever commented on one of her friend's blogs before because I recognize I am a stranger the authors of those blogs. But I felt compelled to comment on yours because I identify so much with what you have written. I too know what it is like to have a a goal that is so immensely important to you that the fear of not accomplishing it completely paralyzes you from even trying.
ReplyDeleteI am a legal professional. What does that mean, right? It means I am a lawyer without a license to practice law. I have a law degree and have been told by friends, colleagues and mentors that I have a keen legal mind. I have also, in fact, sat for a bar exam and failed.
It has been several years now since I attempted the exam, and I have been too paralyzed by the failure to try again.
I am the third of 4 children. I was raised by a single mom in a household where money was very tight, often lacking, and trials were numerous and huge. I was the first of my siblings to graduate highschool--a little out of order, right? And I am the first of my siblings to have graduated college and certainly to have earned a professional degree.
Like you, I have supportive friends and loved ones. I have a legal related job, where I don't feel I accomplish anything of any real meaningfulness, but I command a fairly respectable salary. And yet, the one thing I think about every morning and every night is that I am not a lawyer, despite all the hard work that I put into it over the years: the mulltiple jobs during college and law school, the late nights and cramming, and the sacrifices in my personal life.
It has taken a long time for me to assimilate the sting, burn, and utter dissapointement that this particular failure brought to my life. Not only did I dissapoint myself, but being the first at so many things creates some really lofty expectations with family as well.
It has taken a lot of soul searching, pep talks from loved ones, and even some counseling, but I think I have finally realized that fairure, although painful is a part of life that we can overcome.
For a long time, I was obsessed with the feeling that I had not achieved my career goal because for some reason I did not deserve it. While on an intellectual level I knew that the thought was not exactly rational, emotionally, I just couldn't shake it. And perhaps it has been a combination of time and the support I mentioned above, but sometimes that last little step in a long emotional process can be triggered by the simple words of someone viewing our situation from the outside.
I recently confided to a friend my thoughts about not deserving to be a lawyer, and she simply said: You went to law school. You worked hard. You earned your degree and you have fulfilled all of the requirements with one left. You earned it. You deserve it.
I am not sure why, but those words triggered some sort of switch in my head, and I sudddenly thought: I do deserve it! Not because I am so wonderful, but because I did earn it. And I now just have to conclude that final step.
I have only told one other person this so far, but I have decided to sit for the bar exam again next year. I am now sharing this with a perfect stranger because maybe, hopefully, when you read this long winded comment from a stranger, you too will realize that YOU DESERVE IT!
The fear of failure is always there, and it's something I certainly deal with on a daily basis, but you deserve to give yourself the chance to achieve your goal, to spend as much time as possible with your wonderful husband and children. I will certainly pray that you do.
M