Change is Scary

Now that Christmas is over and the New Year is upon us, I'm still struggling with my weight issues. It's not that I'm struggling with my weight. I'm struggling with motivation more than anything. I really believe that I'm caught in a vicious cycle and I'm lazy.

Okay, there, I've said it. I have weight to lose, but I'm always tired. I'm probably tired because I'm overweight, so I don't work out because I'm tired! My exercise or lack thereof stems from a heart condition I was diagnosed with as a teenager.

When I was younger I was very active but everything put strain on me. Before I was diagnosed, I realized that every time I'd exert myself, I'd get out of breath easily, tired, and sometime even pass out. Back then I thought maybe I had asthma. My mom thought I was out of shape and pushed me even harder.

I was on the dance team at school and my mom signed me up for a race. The final straw came when I was chasing my older sister up a huge hill by our house, and I passed out. I told my mom I just couldn't take another minute of it and that my upcoming school year of gym was going to kill me. She finally took me to the doctor in August before my 16th birthday. We walked into the doctor’s office and he listened to my heart and knew there was a serious problem right away. He sent me to a cardiologist that day and my mom left in tears. I remember her not wanting to take the elevator so people wouldn't see her cry. We took the back stairs together, crying in silence. The cardiologist scheduled my surgery for that weekend. After the surgery, I was told my heart valves had been working at 20% capacity but that it was now up to 80%. I felt better immediately but to me 80% wasn't 100% and the fear of exertion set it. I never really exercised much after that. I was young, thin and felt better. But as I had children and my metabolism changed my lack of exercise and love of food left me obese.

I'm hoping that the fear of not changing will become more motivating than the fear of changing. I know it's my choice. I'm just scared.