The First Time

My husband & I celebrated the anniversary of our first blind date in early February. We met in a slightly unconventional way. We met online, but not through a dating website or anything. Back in the olden days AOL was the main way people went online. When I left Pocatello, Idaho to come back to Utah after my first marriage fell apart. I moved in with my mother. Not the ideal situation, but one I thought I could deal with for 6 months or so while I got a job, saved up some money and got on my feet. We basically left with nothing but some clothes, toys & a car. I had been a stay at home mom for five years so I didn't have any income coming in.


On the weekends that my kids were gone, I didn't have anything to do, so I went online and chatted with people. I didn't like the chat rooms because they were awkward and random individuals. AOL had a search you could do to find people closer to home. One night I sent him a note because he lived in the same city I was. He didn't want to meet because I wasn't divorced yet, just separated. We chatted off and on for a year and a half. We never met, never exchanged phone number, never exchanged pictures, or even knew each other's last names. We did chat about a lot of personal things, deep feeling and silly things. It's easy to talk to someone when you think you'll never actually meet them. There were times we didn't talk for a few months, but then one of us would contact the other one.

About a month after I moved in with my mom, I realized it wouldn't work so I moved into the cheapest apartment I could find, got a job, and started my life with my kids. My divorce became final and I started dating here and there. I continued to chat online with William and occasionally I'd ask if he'd like to meet, but it became kind of our joke. One day, 11 months after my divorce was final, I asked him to meet. This time he startled me by saying yes. He said you name the where and when and I'll be there.

Keep in mind we still didn't know what each other looked like, last name, where each other lived or even what car to look out for... I decided to meet at Sweet Tomatoes for lunch. I remember pulling up right behind a guy in a white Pontiac Firebird. He parked, I parked. He didn't say anything and neither did I. He walked toward the entrance and so did I. He sat down on the bench right inside as I approached. He said, Sandra. The entire lunch, all two hours was easy conversation, he was funny, charming, and had an amazing personality. He was cute. When we left, I hugged him and told him he smelled good. I didn't want to leave him.

To commemorate that fateful day, we go to Sweet Tomatoes every year. We always take the kids, some times his mom comes, and we’ve even had occasions where extended family has attended the event. I love that tradition. It always reminds me that trying too hard to make something happen isn't always the best way. Sometime it’s just a matter of being ready….

Craving the Personal

The internet is such a great thing!  It gives you so much information at your fingertips.  Helping my kids with homework is a totally different thing than it used to be when I was a kid.  The internet also gets you the opportunity to connect and reconnect with people that you normally wouldn't get to contact. 

I have found that the internet also gives people the opportunity to hide behind the impersonal.  There are so many times that I receive a message online, email, or text and I wish that I could just talk to that person by phone or in person.  I am craving the personal in an impersonal world. 

Because of that I've decided to take a break from online social networking sites.  I have decided to continue the blog because no one reads it...and it feels more like a journal to myself than a form of online communication.  When I get the urge to contact someone, I'm going to make a phone call and see if I can start the chain of personal contact that I crave and see if it will come back to me...

Rediscovering

I wrote the last post a day or so ago, but didn't have the pictures to post until now.  I loved the title of the post but realized that I had so much more to say about uncovering the past.  There is so much from my past that I've wanted to deal with over the years.  Most of the issues I have with my family I think about on a daily basis but I am very happy with the life I have now and I'm not sure I want to revisit that part of who I am other than on a daily reflection.

Part of uncovering the past is realizing that some things are better left alone, as disturbing things won't bring happiness.  I'm finally in a place where I feel confident in myself as a mother, as a wife, even as an employee.  I'm not as confident in myself as an individual. 

Taking down the walls of who I am is easy when you see that I am a mother, a wife, a worker but underneath all of that who am I as an individual?  I've been someone's mother for 15 years, someone's wife for 12 years and I've been someone's employee for 16 years.

Obviously who I was as a mother has changed over the years.  I've grown more confident as time has gone by, having more children, and realizing that expectations change as they grow into individuals.  When it comes right down to it I don't want my children to have the best grades, the best clothes, the most friends.  I simply want them to be happy with the lives they lead and the choices they make.  Learning to make good choices leads to a good life.  But since not everyone makes good choices all the time it's coming to terms with that and making the best choices you can.

Who I am as a wife has changed as well.  When I got married the first time, I was young and naive.  I don't blame much on the young part...more the naive part.  I made a lot of bad choices and allowed myself to be in a position I didn't want to be in.  When the time came that I finally grew up enough to make a change and make a choice, I did.  That brought me to the life I have now with my current (and last) husband.  I'm not a perfect wife, maybe not even a good wife, but my husband loves me in spite of all my crazy imperfections.  That's good, because there are a lot of those to go around. 

The person I am at work was always someone I felt like I was pretending to be.  I used to look at professional people and think that I was not as qualified as them.  I always felt like someone let me into the corporate world, not realizing that I didn't belong here.  I think that all adults feel that way at some point but they all pretend...  Fake it till you make it.  That is something they should teach in high school.

Underneath all of that is this girl.  She's still trying to discover who she is...

Uncovering The Past

Life is funny.  Everything old is new again at some point.  The world goes round and round.  We decided to pull up the carpet in one of our rooms to see what the original hardwood floors looked like underneath.  It was a test to see if we could do it throughout the main part of the house.  This room is our office/Red Sox room.  It had an awesome shag carpet but it is also the room where our cat food dishes are, which resulted in lots of cat food in the shag carpet that was IMPOSSIBLE to get out of the shag easily.

The result of pulling up the carpet was an awesome experience.  I can't imagine what goes through someone's head when they decide that shag carpet is better than hardwood.  But then I realized it's the same thing that made people wear parachute pants, hairsprayed bangs, and flower child clothing.  It was a trend, it was the fashion and with all fashions some are timeless and some are fleeting.

I'm happy to say we love the look of the hardwood and are going to use this room as a test on how we can get it looking the way we want.  Then we will do the rest of the house. 

The floor isn't perfect and I'm sure it won't be when it's done.  Imperfections and flaws are what give it character.  It's all part of it's beauty and I love it too.