Happy Birthday

Today is my mother's 70th birthday.  I have not talked to her in 7 years.  She lives less than 5 miles from my house in the house I grew up in.  I haven't set foot in that in house in 7 years, since the day my father asked me to return my key.  Days like today are hard because it signals time is passing quickly and 70 years old isn't as young as 63 was. 

Walking away from family is difficult.  Living with that is even harder.  But choosing to live with what was happening back then, wasn't an option that I had.  If you would have asked me how I felt about it 7, 5 or even 3 years ago, I would have told you I was angry, mad or hurt.  In the last year that has changed dramatically.  It's hard to mourn a family that isn't dead.  There is no sympathy for a family lost to estrangement, especially by choice.  But it isn't any less painful.  There are still birthdays, holidays, births, and deaths that have to be dealt with.

Since the anger has passed, there was a time that I was sad.  Thinking of what could have been if things hadn't been done or said.  The problem with that is that they were said and done.  Moving on is like anything in life.  Dwelling on the past isn't healthy.  I can forgive, I can forget, but I can't undo the past nor would I want to. 

I'm happy here.  Happy with the choices I've made. Happy with the life I've chosen.  Happy with myself. 

I doubt she will ever read this.  I don't plan on going back to that life at all but today, for the first time in 7 years, I can say I wish my mother well.  Happy Birthday and I hope you are happy with the life you've chosen too.

If you really knew me...

MTV has this show that revolves around Challenge Day at high schools.  I like the general concept of taking down walls and showing that all kids have problems but I'm not thrilled with putting these vulnerable high school kids and their serious issue on TV for entertainment. 


It did get me to thinking about my life.  There are so many things in my life that I'm not sure anyone knows about me.  At least my friends or coworkers.  I wish I could have meaningful conversations with people without the worry of what will they think of me or will their spouses not want to hang out anymore. 

There are people who put out there that their lives are great.  They have the best families, best husbands or wives, a good job, kids who study hard and like school.  I'm not saying that everyone's life should suck, but it gets to the point where if we do have a real problem it's hard to reach out because we feel like we are the only one dealing with life's crap while everyone is dealing in roses. 

If you really knew me you'd know that I deal with depression.  I take medication that has helped but if I have an off day or I have a valid problem and someone says "did you take your medication" it makes me angry. 

If you really knew me you'd know that I am estranged from my family.  I miss them like crazy some days and not at all on others.  It makes everything hard.  Holidays, birthday's, seasons, memories.  I can't go back, I wouldn't even if I could, but I just wish I had someone to talk to who would understand my pain.

If you really knew me...maybe I would really know myself.